Poach me outside

Anyone who knows me (or has me as a contact on Snapchat) will know that I have a slight, very minor, hardly noticeable, almost minuscule, maybe not even worth mentioning obsession with cooking poached eggs. (I mean, everyone has an album dedicated to poached eggs on their phone, right?)

And not just any poached eggs, no; the perfect poached eggs. “What is the sorcery?!” I hear you ask as you try to make sense of this unfathomable talent. “Is she a witch?” I see you ponder as you look into your saucepan full of white froth and grey balls; the murky waters reflect a face full of dismay and disappointment.

Now it would be a lie if I were to say that this talent was innate. I mean the overall concept of poached eggs is pretty bizarre. An egg is cracked into a pan full of boiling water, undergoes the process of metamorphosis and comes out solid and edible – now how bow dah?

Legends foretell that vinegar helps prevent the whites from dispersing into the water which, according to science may be true. Ancient prophets advise that if you create a whirlpool in the water with a wooden spoon, the egg will stay as one. Well my children, whatever myths and stories you may have heard on the grape vine, let them stop here. Throw that vinegar away and cease creating vortex’s in the water. The secret to making the perfect poached eggs is much simpler than that.

Firstly, go into your cupboard and take out your favourite pan. If you don’t have a favourite pan, either promote one of your pans to favourite pan status or go to a shop and purchase a pan that will now be your favourite pan. I can not stress how important it is that you have a favourite pan. Fill your kettle with water and click the button to start the boiling process. Once the water has boiled, pour the water into your favourite pan and place it on top of the stove. Light the hob and watch as your water bubbles away.

Izzee’s top tip #1: At this point, if you are serving your poached eggs with toast, pop your bread in the toaster. The trick is to time the cracking of the egg and the toasting of the bread at the same time. When the bread is toasted, buttered and avocado’d to satisfaction, your perfect poached eggs should be ready.

Now, your water is bubbling, it’s boiling, it is quite literally going mental in your favourite pan. Turn the heat down so it is still bubbling but it is not quite as mental. Grab your happy, free range egg from the box and tap it on the side of your favourite pan lightly, then slightly harder so it cracks. Let the egg fall into the water and watch the magic in all of it’s glory. Turn the heat down further to the lowest heat so the water is just simmering. It should not be going mental now.

And wait. After about a minute your egg should be taking shape. If you can see the white of the egg solidifying around the beautiful yellow yolk then you are doing it right. After another half a minute to a minute, get your spoon and give your egg a little stroke. Nurture your egg. Check how he’s getting on. Sometimes it helps asking but don’t expect a reply every time. Your toast should be ready now so get it buttered and avocado’d and get ready to scoop your poached egg out of the water.

With your spoon in your preferred hand, slowly dip it into the water and slide it underneath the egg. Pull the egg out from under the water and gently cradle it from side to side to get rid of the excess water. Place the poached egg on your toast and season with salt and pepper. I sometimes like to add salmon but I feel that this can sometimes draw attention away from your perfect poached eggs. A poached egg should never feel inadequate.

And there we have it guys. It could not be any more simple. Tuck into your perfect, stress free, poached eggs and enjoy every second!